The #1 Therapeutic Intervention My Clients Love…
…to hate. When I mention the word, and I see my clients’ eyes glaze over. If they do listen to my reasoning, they immediately reject it. “Oh no, I could never do that!”
Why am I writing a post on it then? I have even stopped using the word in my sessions, even though it’s one of the latest buzz words in psychotherapy. Google Scholar brings up about 12 000 articles on it written just between 2020-1. Check out all the psychological yumminess it is associated with:
Feelings of being cared for
Feelings of connectedness
Emotional calmness
Lower cortisol levels
People who use this not-to-be-named construct, researchers have found they have less:
self-criticism
depression
anxiety
rumination
thought suppression
perfectionism
and have more:
life-satisfaction
social-connectedness
emotional intelligence
joy of learning
Wow. Just wow! What is this superpower and how can I get it in pill form, eh? Do you see why I want my clients to adapt this approach for themselves? Can you see how it would benefit you??
Here comes the sad part. One key element in the not-to-be-named construct is kindness to the self. Gah. Did you shudder? Did you think, “No, I can’t do that, I can’t be nice to myself!” If you did, you’re in good company – almost all my clients say this! Those words cut right through a therapist’s heart. Ouch.
People with high expectations of themselves often view self-kindness as soft, weak, and threatening to the motivation they need to attempt to reach their standards. As if being hard on yourself drives you to reach higher, but being kind limits this somehow. It’s a common perspective, even though likely you achieved some of the most monumental tasks in life listening to the patient, kind, encouragement of a caregiver or teacher – talking, walking, sharing, controlling impulses, reading, writing, etc. And, imagine our Olympians – whole countries get behind our athletes and cheer them on, not berate them with criticism – and look what they achieve. Hmmm, perhaps there is something to this kindness thing.
Back to this mysterious superpower. There are two other components involved – mindfulness and “common humanity.” Mindfulness is being aware of your thoughts and holding them lightly. Common humanity, as defined by Dr. Kristin Neff (pioneering researcher of the not-to-be-named construct), “involves recognizing that everyone fails, makes mistakes, and gets it wrong sometimes…and this is part of the human experience.” Connectedness. Ahhh, that feels good. Dr. Neff has a line I love: “Our imperfections are what make us card-carrying members of the human race.” Sing it sista.
I ask my clients, what would you say to a friend in this painful situation? Usually, they describe kind, encouraging words, a hug, a story about how they get it, because as a human, they’ve been there, too. Can you turn this inward? Say to yourself, “of course you feel this way in this situation. We all would.” And imagine giving yourself a big, warm hug.
Life is hard enough. You need an internal best friend, not an opponent.
Check out Dr. Neff’s free resources on developing your own superpower.
Kira
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