What are you avoiding?

Who me? Avoid?

Want to know the secret to having zero anxiety?

Avoidance! Works like a charm. Parties give you anxiety? Don’t go! Anxiety rises when you have to make a phone call? Send an email instead. Afraid of driving on the 401? Wait for a friend to drive you.

Pretty effective, right? It (called situational avoidance in psychobabble) works…in the short term. In the long term, using avoidance to cope with your anxiety shrinks your world. I don’t go there, I don’t do that, I don’t speak on the phone unless I have to, I need someone with me, etc. And, it maintains the anxiety – you will continue to fear these situations.

You also lose contact with some of the things that brought meaning and joy to your life. Can’t visit your friend in Toronto, if you don’t get on the 401. There is a lost opportunity to have an afternoon of friend fun and connect. Can’t go to that great new yoga studio if you can’t make that phone call book a class. Fitness and self-care goals not achieved. Can’t network with people at the neighbourhood BBQ? Lost the chance to possibly meet that perfect dog walker, new friend, or maybe even a job connection.

Can you Spot the Avoidance?

These “situational avoidances” are really obvious ways we use avoidance to keep anxiety at bay. There are more subtle ones that take a little more work to discover. See if you can find the avoidance strategies:

a.     Ashley has a stressful job. It’s one meeting to the next, to the next. When she finishes work, she looks forward to that glass of wine with dinner. “I’ve earned it and it helps me relax after a long day of work,” she tells herself. A second glass helps her get through an evening of children, homework, laundry, and bedtimes.

b.     Maddie feels unsure about herself at work. Everyone is so adult, so put together. She’s trying to save up so she can travel next year, but she keeps overspending on clothes and shoes. And Sephora – oh the money spent on make-up.

c.     Sophia notices her stomach isn’t as flat as she wants it to look in her cropped top and high waisted jeans. She cuts out lunches and ups the intensity in her exercise routine. In the evenings, she alternates between pinching her stomach fat, and trying to distract herself with looking up healthy recipes.

d.     Lisa stresses out every time her in-laws come over. She busies herself with cleaning the house the day before…top to bottom. All the rooms are made spotless, regardless of the fact the in-laws only see the kitchen, powder room, and living room.

Did you spot the avoidance? Therapists call the avoidance in these examples “emotional avoidance.” In our examples, they ways they avoided were by using:

(a) substance use

(b) overspending

(c) overexercising and thinking about how to “be better,”

(d) excessive cleaning.

These are all ways for people to avoid having anxious feelings or to reduce the feeling of anxiety.

But we want anxiety to go down, right?

For sure, we don’t want to drown in it. There are consequences of emotional avoidance though. Often, we lose connection with how we want to behave in our lives. The mother who can only relax with a glass of wine may not be connecting with her children in the way she wants to. The teenager who spends her time obsessing over her body shape may lose connection with how she wants to be with her friends, and how she wants to perform academically or in her extra-curriculars. The woman and her in-laws may lose the opportunity to spend time on valued activities, instead of cleaning or be present with her extended family without fear of judgement. 

We don’t realize it, but our culture has a strong aversion to being with negative emotions. We have difficulty sitting with our anxious feelings without getting swept away by our thoughts. We are also so underprepared to deal with them. Think for a second - how do you calm yourself in a healthy way that keeps you connected to a meaningful life? Do you have more than one way if the first one isn’t effective? If you’re like many people, you don’t.

Emotional avoidance is the same as situational avoidance – it works great in the short term, completely backfires in the long term. Emotional avoidance is associated with a plethora of problems that lead people to therapy – maladaptive perfectionism, disordered eating, substance abuse, overspending, anxiety, depression, anger issues, obsessions, compulsions, overexercising, binge eating, the list goes on.

Start building your toolbox of emotion coping strategies today. You can start with breathing.

Kira

The information on this website is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment or to replace your relationship with your health care provider. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read or seen on this site.