How Perfectionism Gets in the Way of Self-Care
Perfectionism is becoming one of those watered-down words.
People who love a clean kitchen, perfectly styled hair, or a well-packed bento box declare themselves “perfectionists.”
Like when someone who has a bad headache dramatically declares, “Oh, I have such a migraine” (cue the eye roll from all migraine sufferers).
Perfectionism is not a satisfying, “ah, that feels great” feeling when something you do meets your expectations. Perfectionism is a painful way of thinking where nothing meets your expectations – not the clean kitchen, not the coiffed hair, etc.
Perfect, Perfect-er, Perfect-est
Self-care can be problematic for person with perfectionism. Why? First, and perhaps most obvious, your self-care has to be perfect, too. The all-or-nothing thinking typical of a person with perfectionism leads them away from “good enough” or “it’s a start, I’ll get there,” type of thinking.
Rilynn decides this is the week she will start eating healthily. Grocery shopping day is Sunday, and after spending Saturday cleaning, she realizes she ran out of time for researching “best keto meal plans,” doesn’t have the grocery list ready, and notices three nights this week are booked and will have to be take-out. Discouraged, she heads out to the store without a list, and thinks, “Why can’t I get it together? I’ll never eat healthy.”
Second, self-care may not be rewarding for a person with perfectionism. One reason is that you tend to look for external validation to determine how well you are doing. But compliments from others don’t come for maintaining things like - a reasonable work-life balance, or setting boundaries with family members, or taking up a fun hobby! Instead, guilt often arises – “I should be x, y, or z done instead.” Why would you do something that leaves you with feelings of guilt?
Or, micromanaging and competitiveness shows up in hobbies and recreation. Again, rather than being a rewarding situation, it becomes aversive:
Margo finally gave herself the time to join a volleyball league. She gets so worked up throughout the games watching her teammates make mistakes. Any misstep on Margo’s part results in a feeling of her blood pressure shooting through the roof. By the end of most games, Margo is furious regardless of whether they won or not.
Who me? Needs What?
When you have perfectionistic thinking, self-care can also be hampered by your unrealistic expectations of yourself.
Annie works hard all day long. She tries for perfect all day long – workout that targets every problem area, hair blown out, make-up that hides her flaws, packs a healthy lunch, perfect purse and shoes for the just right outfit, place left tidy before leaving for work, etc., etc., all day long. When exhaustion or burnout creeps in, Annie tells herself this is just another example of how she’s failing – she needs to buckle down, work harder. Other people don’t get tired and are better than her. Annie never considers that taking time to incorporate self-care, underestimating her need for it.
What thoughts show up for you when you try to take care of yourself? Any of these look familiar?
o I should be getting more important things done.
o If I was stronger, I wouldn’t have to do “self-care.”
o I haven’t earned it.
o I’ve failed to live up to my standards – I don’t deserve it.
o This isn’t going to work.
o Self-care is selfish.
o I don’t need self-care.
o I don’t have time for self-care.
o I don’t have the right x, y, z to do it properly.
These perfectionistic thoughts get in the way of self-care. Check out how you can challenge these thoughts:
Thought: I should be getting more important things done.
Challenge: Self-care is important because it rejuvenates me to get things done.
Thought: I don’t need self-care/I don’t deserve it.
Challenge: Every human has a need to care for their physiological, psychological, and esteem needs.
Thought: I don’t have the right x, y, z to do it properly.
Challenge: Getting started is what’s important. Details can come later.
Challenging these unhelpful thoughts can help you drop the unrealistic expectations and negative emotions you have around self-care. If you’re stuck, a psychotherapist can help you challenge these thoughts and help you develop some good self-care habits.
Kira
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