Letting go of thoughts…sure, no problem

What does it mean to “let go” of thoughts? This phrase comes up all the time in therapy. Picture yourself 5 minutes into a mindfulness meditation, and the whispery-voiced therapist says, “Notice the thought, and let it go.”

What.On.Earth.Does.That.Even.Mean? Let it go? Was I holding it in my hand? “Letting go of thoughts” implies some sort of effortless action. Do I just open my hand and “let go??!” As though there is something we “do” to make thoughts magically drift out of our minds, like a helium balloon floating away in a breeze.

Let’s break this down. What we mean when we say “let that thought go,” is actually three different things. And they aren’t actions; two of them are attitudes we develop, and one of them is about directing our attention. On behalf of all therapists, I apologize. None of these are easy as “letting go” implies.

First, we are nonjudgemental toward the thought. Second, we are nonreactive to the thought. And third, we return our minds to the present moment. Okay, let’s translate this into English.

“Non-Judgemental”

Thoughts that get stuck in our mind are often ones that we have an opinion about. Areas where we often have judgements are our bodies, our social world, and our capabilities “My thighs have cellulite and look gross.” “They must think I’m ridiculous.” “If they find out at work that I’m really terrible at my job, then...”

You notice a thought, and it’s followed by a judgement of the thought. “I shouldn’t feel this way.” “You’re being irrational.” “No one thinks these things!” “It’s wrong to feel this way.”

Being nonjudgemental means to lose the judgements about the thoughts and emotions. A thought is a thought, and emotion is an emotion. It’s an inner experience, a reaction you had to what was happening in the moment for you. Nothing more, and doesn’t need to be judged.

When reacting to your thoughts, it’s helpful to take note of them. The follow-up thought to “my thighs have cellulite” changes from “eww, gross” to “Ah, thought about my thighs,” or “I noticed I had a thought about my thighs,” or simply, “Thought.” Notice in doing this how the judgement is dropped. We’re training our brains to respond to thoughts as a neutral thing, not something to invest in. There’s a time and a place to use your mind’s ability to think, and this is not one of them.

When reacting to your emotions, it’s helpful to start with “of course…” As in: “Of course (based on my personal history/current situation) I’d feel this way.” We often judge ourselves for having certain emotions or reacting to certain events. Clients are often surprised that other people feel the very same way in similar situations. This “of course” approach helps you to normalize your feelings.

“Of course, with the pressure society places on women to have perfect bodies, I’d feel anxious about wearing a bathing suit.”

“Of course, considering how important my career is to me, I’d worry about how my presentation went.”

“Of course, I go into a frenzy cleaning, considering how my MIL inspects every square inch and makes comments.”

Of course. Of course. You’re not the first person to feel this way, and you’re not the last. You are completely normal to feel this way. You are not some freak with weird emotions, you are so normal.

This takes practice. And more practice. And more. And someday, it becomes second nature.

“Non-reactive”

Forget Wordle, forget Sudoku, do you want a real challenge for your brain? Non-reactivity! This one also takes practice, and really needs you to have a good grasp on nonjudgementalness to make this one work.

So how do you play? This involves watching an internal experience (a thought, feeling, image, sensation) and not trying to change it. Usually, when humans feel something good, we want to amplify it and hang on to it (hello, second glass of wine, and person who never leaves the party). And when humans experience something aversive, they want to squash it, shut it down.

And, this is one of the reasons therapists go on and on about breathing. We aren’t breath-o-philes. It’s suuuuper helpful be able to watch your breathing. As distressing emotions rise and fall, watching your breath gives you a constant, rhythmic focus. Here comes the internal experience (breathing in and out), here it is intensifying (still breathing in and out), whoa that’s intense (yep, breathing in and out), and then it starts to become less intense (breathing in and out), here we go (in and out), I got this (still in and out). Kind of like a monk on a rollercoaster hill.

Nonjudgementalness and nonreactivity are the two “attitudes” I referred to. We develop these attitudes through practice. I could choose to judge, I could choose to react, but I am choosing to not judge or react. Because “letting go” of the thought/emotion/sensation is far less painful than judgement or reaction.

Present-Minded Focus

You likely spend a lot of your day not in the present moment. A lot of us ruminate on the past (why did I do that? I should have said something else, etc.) or worry about the future (what if my boss says this? Will there be another variant? My MIL will prob notice something isn’t clean, etc.). Guess what? Rumination is classic in depression, and worrying is rife in anxiety. Not a happy or content place to be, folks.

The present. Oh, the elusive present. We are designed as animals to predict danger, to prepare for survival. Being present requires us to refocus our attention again and again. But all of us can do it really well already. We’re actually quite good at it on vacation. For the beach vacationers – while you’re soaking up the sun, listening to song of the cicadas and waves lapping – you are so present-focused. For the adventure traveller – when you’re taking in a new, mind-blowing scenery or experience, you are so in the moment.

During our busy days, our minds wander to what is about to happen, to what has just happened. Totally normal. Being present means just shifting your attention back to the present. You can do this by paying attention to:

·      the sensations of your body (in your clothes, as you move, etc.)

·      the sounds around you (clock ticking, cars passing, birds chirping)

·      the visual elements around you (colour, shape, texture, light and shadow)

·      how your emotions are affecting you (are my thoughts being affected? My behaviours?)

Throughout your day, you can pause for 10 seconds, pull yourself back to the present in one of the above ways. Remember returning to the present is an effortful practice and you’ll need to do it again and again. Every time you want to be out of the messiness of the human mind, you can pull yourself back to the present. And breathe.

Pulling it all together

So, yes, “letting a thought go” is a tall order. It requires us to tune into our thoughts in a different way than we are used to. Not to follow them, not to be dragged around by them. Rather to notice they are there, that they are just thoughts and nothing more (non-reactivity), and don’t require us to follow up with them (nonjudgementalness). And then pull our minds back to from the thought, to our breath (or whatever sensory input you choose) (present-minded focus). Just let it go.

Kira

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