How to Comfort a Beast
Try this: Cup your hands together. Imagine you have the sweetest little chick in your hands. It’s snuggled right into your hands, and you can feel its down tickling your palm, and its tiny heart beating rapidly against your fingers. You’re holding it so carefully – not too tight so as so hurt it, but not too loose as to let it fall. Just perfectly tenderly, keeping this little sweet thing safe and content. Take a deep breath in…and as you breath out, replace the tiny chick with all of your suffering.
What just happened for you?
Suffering Sucks
This is part of an exercise that clinical psychologist, Jennifer Kemp, led a group of therapists through in a recent course on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and perfectionism. For me, my eyes popped open and I looked down at my hands in, perhaps, a disgusted surprise? You want me to hold my suffering in the same way I’d hold a baby chick? Eww. Then, my mind quickly caught up. But why wouldn’t I hold it gently, with care, with kindness? Cool, my mind thought. I’m on board.
That’s nice, but how??
We want to avoid emotional pain. It generally feels awful. The physical sensations are sometimes unbearable – the heaviness, the tightness, the lurching, the draining, etc. The emotions are overwhelming – dread, fear, hopelessness, shame, rage. And those horrible thoughts that can circle around and around in our heads. Ugh. Of course we want to get rid of these feelings of suffering!!
So we push thoughts away (and I’ve covered how effective that is! /s). We avoid the situations that bring up the suffering (and I’ve written about where that leads us). We cover up the emotions and physical sensations with intentional ignoring, substance use, distraction, busy-ness, or complete denial. And sometimes, that works for a while.
And then this little thing called life happens. I don’t need to tell you that life is full of unexpected challenges to our well-being. Just like sadness never lasts forever, happiness and contentedness don’t either. Eventually, your suffering makes itself known again.
When we see this suffering in a loved one, what do we do? We comfort, we soothe, we cheer, we hold, we provide loving company. “I’m here for you. I love you,” we tell our loved one. We know we cannot really take their suffering away, but we can give them physical and emotional support through comfort and company.
Yet when our own suffering arises, we stuff it back down or ignore it or go to therapy to “become happy again.” Because, it feels awful to feel it!
What if. What if we change the way we respond to our pain? What if we offer the same to our own suffering that we offer to a friend or family member’s suffering??! What would that look like? And what might happen?
Remember - we are not trying to make it go away. Just like we try to be with our happiness through savouring and being fully present, we are trying to be with our suffering, to provide it with physical and emotional support. When we have the tools to comfort ourselves, our suffering becomes more bearable and less likely to be destructive. Like Dr. Chia-Ying says, “it gives ourselves a cushion to land on.”
What could your cushion look like?
Here are a few ideas that we could offer our suffering:
1. Our attention.
“Oh, I see you hurting. I’m here. I’m paying attention. I’m not going to shove you away.”
2. Our physical comfort.
Warmth (think bath, heated pillow, cozy sweater, face soaking up the sun), a caress (like tickling your palm or cheek, fingers through your hair…think of how a mother comforts a baby), hugs (squeeze away!).
3. Our best visualization.
Imagine your suffering as a physical thing. What does it look like? Imagine yourself holding it, stroking it, talking gently and supportively to it. Or imagine, putting it in a cozy spot and your pet curling around it. Whatever your imagination can dream up.
4. Our kindness.
“I gotcha. I’m here for you.” “What do you need from me right now?” “This is hard right now, and I’m not going anywhere.” “How can I make things easier for you today?” “I love you.” “You’re safe with me.”
5. Our observation.
For those of you who meditate, take the observer stance. Who and what are you observing? Try offering comfort and compassion to the being who is having those inner experiences.
So what happens now? Rinse, lather, and repeat. Every time your suffering arises, stop, and be a loving friend to it. Although it is not the intention, clients report a sense of lightening and relief from the physical sensation, and a shift towards calmness. There is something that happens when we give up the fight, the pushing away, and allow ourselves to be fully human, suffering and all. Give it try and see what happens for you.
Kira
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